Dante's Light

Dante,

I have so much I want to say to you, it seems every time I think I'm done pouring my heart out it fills up with more sorrow twice as painful. Two days ago we saw you at the crematory and they let me have some time with you before they took you away...I was not prepared to see you like that. I'm so sorry my special little boy - I'm so sorry they tried to make you smile with a horrible sewing job...we did not give permission for them to touch you.

It felt so good to touch your fur again , to stroke your neck and touch your ear, I always loved your soft floppy ears. I'm so sorry they didn't remove that nasty bright green bandage from your arm where the catheter was it broke my heart to see it still on you. Your dad snipped some hair off your neck and we're going to order two urn necklaces and put your hair in there so you're always with us.

Tomorrow if I can hold it together long enough I'm going to call the vets and get the answers we are seeking regarding how everything went Monday - I am not satisfied with what I was told on the phone versus what actually happened. I will get to the bottom of WHY there were 4 needles to put you down, it just doesn't make sense my baby boy...I cant sleep , I cant eat ...it's eating me alive...missing you is eating me alive.

I miss you so much puppy, instead of getting easier it's getting harder and harder and I actually walked out of the house today...I just walked away from your dad after an argument about you and our house guests cats. I will not watch those furballs walk where you used to lay it just huts too much. I vow if I see one of them walking in your space a cat is going to go flying.

Moments before they put you to sleep I hugged you and whispered I'd see you every night in my dreams but I don't puppy , I just don't see you in my dreams. I have nightmares about putting you down, I get an hour of sleep a night if that and the other dreams I have are even worse. I had a nightmare last night that I was self mutilating as penance for putting you down.

I can't let you go I don't know why I'm having so much trouble but now I'm finding myself in trouble because of this grief. My heart is beginning to hurt and I can't breath sometimes - it's like a 400 pound weight is crushing my lungs when I think about you and I nearly take myself to the doctors it's so bad. I'm suffering so greatly without you my sweet little puppy. At this point I wish I could go back and erase the last week , I would take it back in a heartbeat our choice. I can't apologize enough to you and beg your forgiveness enough.

We keep telling ourselves we had to , the doctor gave you 3 months to live and we got exactly 3 months and you were suffering with two types of cancer...but my heart feels like its a lie - that we didn't have to , maybe that's part of not letting go. I knew I wasn't ready for this I'm not sure you're ever ready for putting your little boy down. Your dad is getting worried for me but he doesn't need to - I'm just grieving a different way than he is.

Tomorrow makes your one week anniversary and it makes my heart pound to realize it's only been a week but it feels emotionally like a lifetime without you.


Dante's light quoting Dante's light "... I'd rather know a great dog briefly than hear about a great dog for the rest of my life ..."


We love you more than life puppy and we miss you so much.

Meesh

Mel,
I may be stepping over the line here but I think you should reach to out to a professional for some grief counseling or contact your local vet hospital, most will be able to direct you to a support group for pet loss. While it's normal to grieve deeply for our furbabies when they pass, it is not normal to want to harm yourself. Please talk to someone about this.
Wishing you peace!
Michelle

Benpaws

My Dear Mel,
I can feel your pain and truly understand your heartache. I apologize for not writing sooner, but my husband and I went away to Niagara Falls for a much-needed break from the mundane chores etc. It worked!

You are in the distress which comes right after you have lost a beloved best friend and I think because you went the extra step and saw Dante right before cremation and he did not appear as you wanted, this only added to your great sorrow. You and Stas definitely made the right decision for Dante considering his condition and he would have done the same for you out of great love.

In our lifetimes, we all have to say good bye to parents or grandparents, hopefully not our children before us, but some people do have that agony. I know for a fact having grown up in a funeral home in a small town and seeing my poor father have to bury young children in little white coffins. It always broke his heart and at such times he hugged me even tighter. Perhaps that is where my compassion comes from. Also, my years of depression might come from that source as well. It was an unusual way to grow up seeing so many people I knew and cared about in our small town, die.

Michelle is being very sensible and kind when she suggests that you Mel perhaps go to your family doctor and maybe get a mild sedative to calm your heart and give you a good night's rest. Also a "Pet Loss Support Group" is a great idea, if you are up to it. Come here whenever you feel like life is not worthwhile without your Dante, because life is precious and every day we have is a gift. Also, some men do not grieve the same as women, but it does not mean that Stas is not feeling a great loss and pain within his heart as well. You NEED each other now to hold and share stories about Dante. Don't turn away from Stas or get angry. Just hug and talk and cry and you'll survive this terrible loss together, somehow, someday.

In time you will begin to have little clues that Dante is watching over you and is still in your home and always in your heart.

So many of us here have been exactly where you are now and I for one, never thought I would recover from Benny's death. Unlike you I was not able to visit him before he was cremated and I didn't even ask for his ashes. I guess I was a "coward" and to this day I deeply regret leaving him behind alone at the vet's. I know he has forgiven me. Benny always was such a good boy!

Take care of yourself. You have to eat something and be strong and one day you might even be able to share your home with another loving puppy. He won't be Dante, but he will need a home and love and if you can provide that, there is always that day to think about. You are not ready yet, but think about HOPE!

I care and everyone here cares. I am worried about you my friend because you have many of the feelings I did when I lost my Ben and I didn't want another day without him. Thank goodness for the people on this wonderful site. They helped me through those days of darkness and hopelessness and I am well enough to reach out and help others going through the same pain.

Light a candle for Dante tonight and say a prayer. I know he will hear you. I have deep faith in something much greater than I.

Hugs,
Joanne & Shadow