Benpaws

Hi Everyone,
As I sit here today reading through the posts and crying of course with words which come from your hearts and feel your pain at the loss of your best friend, I reflect upon the dogs who shared my life.
When I was 13 years old, my father took us all on our annual summer week away from the funeral home and I had wanted a dog all my life but living in a funeral home one is not supposed to have pets, especially cats. I won't go into detail why, but I often would bring a stray cat home and feed it. There was one particular tabby cat who kept returning. He returned many times. Dad finally had to put it in a covered container and took it out to the country to a farm. After he returned 5 times, we finally found a family the cat liked and that was that. However, I begged for a puppy. On this particular summer vacation, we passed by a breeder on our way home and we convinced dad we just wanted to "look." Well 5 little black poodles were brought out and one came over to Dad and licked his hand. Dad picked him up in his big hand and he was SMITTEN. Perky was 10 weeks old and it was 1956 and the end of our holiday. We didn't have much money and a dog was the last thing dad had on his mind. We were in Batavia, New York so we had to cross the border. We bought things at the gift store from the breeder and Perky was decked out with a special collar and leash and little cage and blanket and toys and then Dad got the bill of $600 and said to "put him back." (Dad didn't receive that much for funerals and often did not charge for burials if the people could not afford to pay.) I begged and begged I would work cutting the lawn, doing dishes, cleaning up after funerals, ANYTHING to KEEP PERKY. When we crossed the border we had to pay another $10.00 to get him across. Dad didn't speak all the way home. To make a long story short, he was the most amazing puppy in the whole world and he loved us all so much. He knew exactly when I would return from school and sit on a stool by the window waiting for me at 3:45 pm every day. He liked to watch LASSIE on Sunday nights and he had a favourite pet, a red furry bear with a rubber face which he slept with. when he first came home he slept in my red HUSH PUPPY shoe he was so tiny. In 1967 Mom and Dad took a brief holiday and did not have Perky vaccinated before they left. He had never been put in a kennel and they found a good one. When they got home Perky had developed DISTEMPER and his little brain swelled and he had to be put to sleep within the month. My dad, who was 6 foot 3 and 200 pounds wept sorrowfully and I was away from home when they told me the news. I had to take two days off from teaching and I was a wreck. My beloved Perky would never greet me again when I returned home on holidays.
I am telling you all this story because we did move away from our grief and Perky is in a safe place in our hearts. Mom and Dad eventually got another poodle and he was WONDERFUL and very different from our Perky. There is just something about your "first dog" and your "first loss."
When Wolfgang came into our lives in 1987 a year after my father's sudden death, our lives were once again renewed with the joy of having a puppy. We had two sons then and Wolfie brought daily joy to our lives. The kids would push him around in a wheelbarrow and put him in a raft in our pool. He was a great companion to us all. Wolfie developed diabetes in 1998 and passed away in our arms in 1999. When he was 14 months old another litter with the same parents was born and we brought Willie into our home. Wolfgang never really bonded with Willie, but when we went out we knew he was glad to have his brother with him. Willie was also amazing and had his own brand of love to give us all. By then we had 3 sons and 2 dogs and the joy was unmatched by anything else in our lives.
When Willie died suddenly, just one night ill and the next day put to sleep, we came home to the emptiness of our house and cried like babies. For over a year I went into a deep depression and shut everyone out of my life. It was the worst pain I had ever felt. Jim saw how devastated I was and planned the surprise of Benny, who was a nephew to the other two and was born just before our 35th wedding anniversary in July, 2002. My depression lifted when I held that little bundle of gray fur and for 6 years he filled my life with such devotion and love just as the other 3 had. Because of the hours we spent nurturing him in the months cancer invaded his little body, made him very special. We did not know the others were ill, but Benny was and he had a "terminal illness" and every moment of his young life became even more important to us.
I share this story with you all, because every dog is different and deserves to be loved and treasured for their own brand of love and independence and need to be loved. All my puppies were different and similar. Different because they had unique personalities, similar because they wanted to please no matter what; they played with toys and chased balls and chased squirrels, and enjoyed their daily walks and adventures to new places. They loved car rides and the breeze in their beards but they were not fond of haircuts or teeth brushing or comb-outs. They enjoyed a party and welcomed everyone to our door.
Those of you who said goodbye to your best friend in the whole world but still had another puppy waiting at home have no idea how fortunate you are. That puppy is also in mourning for his lost brother or sister. Your house still has a friend to meet and greet you and love you with unconditional love every single day.
When we came home to Willie after losing our Wolfgang, the house still had joy and we felt very blessed although we mourned the loss of Wolfie.
Because I am older than most of you, maybe ALL of you here, I do not have the time to decide if another puppy is the right decision. When Benny died we were not going to put ourselves through this terrible pain again. But when we found another puppy, born the exact day and time that Benny left this earth, we knew God had answered our prayers and we knew that this was a "sign" from our Benny. He KNEW how much love we gave to him and we have lots left over to share with one more puppy. Benny would definitely want us to be happy. He would want his bed by the fire once again filled with a little fur ball of energy and unconditional love.
We are not "replacing" Benny as we did not replace any of the others fur boys we shared our lives with. We are just bringing home another little pup who deserves to be loved and to know love. I have to put any "guilt" I feel aside and when I hold my SHADOW in my arms, he will be a "new beginning" for all of us. God never meant for us to be alone or to grieve too long. Life is short, enjoy every moment. Both Raymond and Sissy are finding renewed strength and joy with their new puppies and of course will always hold Larry and Muffin in the deepest recesses of their hearts where these puppies have a safe haven.
You all did everything you could to save your beloved dogs with this terrible disease and they knew how much they were loved every day. We cannot bring them back, because if we could that would be our FIRST choice.
God Bless you all and I hope my experiences will help ease some of the pain your are feeling and giving you hope for the future to bring some happiness.

"Dogs are not our WHOLE world but they make our WORLD WHOLE."

God Bless You All,
Hugs,
Joanne